Sparkles and sunshine - I want you back!
Sparkles and sunshine - I want you back!
Friends who know me know that I wear my feelings on my face, and I'm not someone who can pretend that nothing has happened when something has happened. In short, I'm not a pretender - if there's a word such as this.
The last week has been difficult - don't ask me why, I don't want to talk about it. I had to confront myself and face my own unworthiness - and the more I saw it, the worse I became. I felt really really small in the presence of others - whether they had anything to do with what had happened or not. Being in college each day was an agony - to me I had to "pretend" that I'm ok, that I'm fine, when in actual fact I still wrestle, I still struggle, I still hurt deep ... It just takes someone to ask me, "are you ok?", even if that person has no prior knowledge that I'm in my roller-coaster state, and my useless tears will just spring up in less than a second and fill my eyes. I remember Leng used to say that I'm a very strong person when it comes to managing problems, but I guess she probably didn't realize the buckets shed behind the strength shown, haha.
I had spent time in the presence of the Lord, but I guess recovery takes time - when someone feels worthless, it will take a while for confidence to rebuild, isn't it?? As I continue to wrestle and struggle, I read a short note posted by an alumni in his FB which was exactly what I felt I needed to hear and read. At the end of the day when troubles confront us, difficult as the times may be, when we choose to give them to the Lord, He will use what we've gone through for His glory and make us better persons.
I do noticed in my own self the disappearance of sparkle in my eyes and the sunshine smile that people have always known me for - and I do want to have them back! Someone once said, "don't tell God how big your storms are, tell your storms how big God is!" I'll do just that, and as I learn to surrender and submit my nightmares, my agony, my struggles into God's hand, I'm thankful for His very patience with me.
Friends who know me know that I wear my feelings on my face, and I'm not someone who can pretend that nothing has happened when something has happened. In short, I'm not a pretender - if there's a word such as this.
The last week has been difficult - don't ask me why, I don't want to talk about it. I had to confront myself and face my own unworthiness - and the more I saw it, the worse I became. I felt really really small in the presence of others - whether they had anything to do with what had happened or not. Being in college each day was an agony - to me I had to "pretend" that I'm ok, that I'm fine, when in actual fact I still wrestle, I still struggle, I still hurt deep ... It just takes someone to ask me, "are you ok?", even if that person has no prior knowledge that I'm in my roller-coaster state, and my useless tears will just spring up in less than a second and fill my eyes. I remember Leng used to say that I'm a very strong person when it comes to managing problems, but I guess she probably didn't realize the buckets shed behind the strength shown, haha.
I had spent time in the presence of the Lord, but I guess recovery takes time - when someone feels worthless, it will take a while for confidence to rebuild, isn't it?? As I continue to wrestle and struggle, I read a short note posted by an alumni in his FB which was exactly what I felt I needed to hear and read. At the end of the day when troubles confront us, difficult as the times may be, when we choose to give them to the Lord, He will use what we've gone through for His glory and make us better persons.
I do noticed in my own self the disappearance of sparkle in my eyes and the sunshine smile that people have always known me for - and I do want to have them back! Someone once said, "don't tell God how big your storms are, tell your storms how big God is!" I'll do just that, and as I learn to surrender and submit my nightmares, my agony, my struggles into God's hand, I'm thankful for His very patience with me.
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