Yet another new year...
The one thing that is unstoppable is definitely TIME. Nobody can stop, slow down or speed up time. Everyone is given the same amount of time every day - regardless of which part in the globe we are living in.
Each new year seems to bring excitement for some ... worries and anxieties for another ... and perhaps indifference to others. Whatever this brand new year will be for you as you step into it, my prayer is that it will be a fruitful and meanginful one for you, marked by growth in maturity and wisdom.
I begin 2013 without mum - she passed away on 19th November 2012 - a very significant date for my eldest sis and brother-in-law. It was their wedding anniversary day - 23 years of blissful marriage.
As I looked back at 2012 - I would not say that it was a "bad" year, for I never believed that there's such thing as a BAD year. It's perhaps a year that is marked with more challenges than ease, period.
Mum was in and out of the hospital easily on four occasions in the year 2012 - beginning with a urinary tract infection in mid January where the Lunar New Year was dawning upon us. She was discharged on the 4th day of the Lunar New Year and we managed to have a belated reunion dinner two days later after her discharge. Yet the hospital did not discharged her in a fully recovered state - she had series of medical complications - swelling tongue, swelling hands, dry cough, breathlessness, weakness, and ultimately nausea feelings that manifested itself through endless vomitting of black liquid. It was then that we decide she needed to be admitted again, this time round to the hospital that holds all her medical records and where a good friend from church works in. Thankfully, she was discharged the second time round - fully recovered and nursed back to health. All my siblings had thought that she may not survive with all these distressing medical complications, but the Lord is really good! =)
Mum recovered, and holding on to the promises I made to her, I brought her each weekend to visit relatives and friends who had been showing concern for her during the last 2 months. Each time they came to visit her, she was so weak and breathless that she can't converse for long and that made them worried. I told mum that when she is nursed back to health, I shall bring her to visit the relatives and friends so that they will know that she has really recovered, and recovered well.
Mum has always looked forward to an 80th birthday celebration should she survive her birthday and we had it for her - a small, quiet family dinner - just the children and the grandchildren. She was so happy during the dinner and joy was beaming from within her onto her faces =) ... we were glad she had the chance to have an 80th birthday - especially when she has been quiet about her birthdays all these years. The elderly never quite like the idea of celebrating birthdays, especially if they are not in the habit of doing it - to openly celebrate it will bring bad luck to them - they believe. Yet mum had long forsake the fear and just wanted this mark of celebration for her life - she had it, thank God!
Mum's failing kidneys (since about 8 to 10 years ago due to regular dosage of painkillers) caused her constant nausea feelings and lack of appetite. Finally when she was admitted for this in September and October. The doctors told her she cannot delay the decision to start dialysis and finally with great reluctance she gave the nod. The week after that was followed with visits to the urologist to assess her fitness for a tenchkoff tube insertion. Next a renal consultant assessed her too to double confirm the suitability of the minor operation. She was then given laxatives to prepare her stomach for the surgery, and asked to be taken off aspirin, the blood thinner which prevents her from getting another stroke due to blood clots.
Well, perhaps people will call it coincidence, or some will blame it on bad luck - mum had blood clots in her intestinal area due to the stoppage of aspirin - an occurance that I understand from a doctor friend that is so rare in whatever million cases. Two days before she was due for the tenchkoff tube insertion, she had severe abdominal pain and was rushed to the hospital. Within hours, doctors called us to say she has collapsed and her blood pressure remained very low (for someone with high blood pressure, that is something really worrying and abnormal). Doctors then called to say things are not looking good and the children should come to the hospital as soon as we all can.
We all gathered and were briefed by the surgeons about what is the suspected cause. The surgeon met us, told us that her intestines are definitely collapsing and presented us with 3 scenarios:- (1) when she is in her MICU room, they will cut her stomach and see how bad her intestines are. If blueish, maybe administer some antibiotics and hopefully she respond to it. If blackish, the intestines have died, no hope, sew her back and it's just a matter of time. (2) They will operate on her in her MICU and see the amount of intestines that are affected. If only a small amount, these will be cut. However, recovery will be really painful as she will have to be on a special drip for the rest of her life. The medication for the drip is super expensive. (3) Stabilize her blood pressure and send her for a scan to ascertain the percentage of damage to the intestines. But with her low blood pressure and unstablize condition, she may not even survive the 20 minute scan which is 5 minutes away from her MICU room. As we opted for (3), the doctors proceed to administer more medication to stabilize her blood pressure. Within minutes, we were called together again, this time by a professor - he said there is really no hope. She will not survive - we should spend some last moments with her, which we all did. At that moment, we were all overwhelmed by the shock - how could such a thing happen? What are we to do if mum died? Questions, questions, questions, which later met with grief, grief and grief when she finally breathed her last.
As I looked back - I can only see the hand of God moving and intervening - should she survived this final admission and go ahead with her tenchoff tube surgery, she will either be on drip the rest of her life with very expensive medication and/or she will be on dialysis every day of her life. Either all, it will be very painful for her and the memories we will have of her will be scenes of her on drip or dialysis - equally painful. I guess God chose to intervene and made the decision for us, painful as it was at that very moment - and that spared us from further agony and possible hard decisions we may be confronted with later on.
Mum's wake and funeral were over within a week, and things went back to normal. Grieved as we were with our loss, we took great comfort that mum left very good, very pleasant and very sweet memories for us - memories of her doing her search for hidden objects and adding colours to the picture after that, doing sudoku, or even reading papers. Given a choice, we would definitely choose these memories over that of seeing her hooked up in tubes everyday.
Mum's gone for more than a month now - this Sunday being her 49th day. Things are back to normal. We miss her presence definitely, but we know that what had happened, though sudden and shocked at that moment, was in essence, for her good. God is good, really really good!
What will this new year be like for me? I really have no idea - all I know is it's a year without mum around... it's a year with no more medical appointments in the hospitals, it's a year that I have a little "more" time on hand. And I know that it's a year that I can explore and experiment new things. With God for me, who can be against me? =)
Each new year seems to bring excitement for some ... worries and anxieties for another ... and perhaps indifference to others. Whatever this brand new year will be for you as you step into it, my prayer is that it will be a fruitful and meanginful one for you, marked by growth in maturity and wisdom.
I begin 2013 without mum - she passed away on 19th November 2012 - a very significant date for my eldest sis and brother-in-law. It was their wedding anniversary day - 23 years of blissful marriage.
As I looked back at 2012 - I would not say that it was a "bad" year, for I never believed that there's such thing as a BAD year. It's perhaps a year that is marked with more challenges than ease, period.
Mum was in and out of the hospital easily on four occasions in the year 2012 - beginning with a urinary tract infection in mid January where the Lunar New Year was dawning upon us. She was discharged on the 4th day of the Lunar New Year and we managed to have a belated reunion dinner two days later after her discharge. Yet the hospital did not discharged her in a fully recovered state - she had series of medical complications - swelling tongue, swelling hands, dry cough, breathlessness, weakness, and ultimately nausea feelings that manifested itself through endless vomitting of black liquid. It was then that we decide she needed to be admitted again, this time round to the hospital that holds all her medical records and where a good friend from church works in. Thankfully, she was discharged the second time round - fully recovered and nursed back to health. All my siblings had thought that she may not survive with all these distressing medical complications, but the Lord is really good! =)
Mum recovered, and holding on to the promises I made to her, I brought her each weekend to visit relatives and friends who had been showing concern for her during the last 2 months. Each time they came to visit her, she was so weak and breathless that she can't converse for long and that made them worried. I told mum that when she is nursed back to health, I shall bring her to visit the relatives and friends so that they will know that she has really recovered, and recovered well.
Mum has always looked forward to an 80th birthday celebration should she survive her birthday and we had it for her - a small, quiet family dinner - just the children and the grandchildren. She was so happy during the dinner and joy was beaming from within her onto her faces =) ... we were glad she had the chance to have an 80th birthday - especially when she has been quiet about her birthdays all these years. The elderly never quite like the idea of celebrating birthdays, especially if they are not in the habit of doing it - to openly celebrate it will bring bad luck to them - they believe. Yet mum had long forsake the fear and just wanted this mark of celebration for her life - she had it, thank God!
Mum's failing kidneys (since about 8 to 10 years ago due to regular dosage of painkillers) caused her constant nausea feelings and lack of appetite. Finally when she was admitted for this in September and October. The doctors told her she cannot delay the decision to start dialysis and finally with great reluctance she gave the nod. The week after that was followed with visits to the urologist to assess her fitness for a tenchkoff tube insertion. Next a renal consultant assessed her too to double confirm the suitability of the minor operation. She was then given laxatives to prepare her stomach for the surgery, and asked to be taken off aspirin, the blood thinner which prevents her from getting another stroke due to blood clots.
Well, perhaps people will call it coincidence, or some will blame it on bad luck - mum had blood clots in her intestinal area due to the stoppage of aspirin - an occurance that I understand from a doctor friend that is so rare in whatever million cases. Two days before she was due for the tenchkoff tube insertion, she had severe abdominal pain and was rushed to the hospital. Within hours, doctors called us to say she has collapsed and her blood pressure remained very low (for someone with high blood pressure, that is something really worrying and abnormal). Doctors then called to say things are not looking good and the children should come to the hospital as soon as we all can.
We all gathered and were briefed by the surgeons about what is the suspected cause. The surgeon met us, told us that her intestines are definitely collapsing and presented us with 3 scenarios:- (1) when she is in her MICU room, they will cut her stomach and see how bad her intestines are. If blueish, maybe administer some antibiotics and hopefully she respond to it. If blackish, the intestines have died, no hope, sew her back and it's just a matter of time. (2) They will operate on her in her MICU and see the amount of intestines that are affected. If only a small amount, these will be cut. However, recovery will be really painful as she will have to be on a special drip for the rest of her life. The medication for the drip is super expensive. (3) Stabilize her blood pressure and send her for a scan to ascertain the percentage of damage to the intestines. But with her low blood pressure and unstablize condition, she may not even survive the 20 minute scan which is 5 minutes away from her MICU room. As we opted for (3), the doctors proceed to administer more medication to stabilize her blood pressure. Within minutes, we were called together again, this time by a professor - he said there is really no hope. She will not survive - we should spend some last moments with her, which we all did. At that moment, we were all overwhelmed by the shock - how could such a thing happen? What are we to do if mum died? Questions, questions, questions, which later met with grief, grief and grief when she finally breathed her last.
As I looked back - I can only see the hand of God moving and intervening - should she survived this final admission and go ahead with her tenchoff tube surgery, she will either be on drip the rest of her life with very expensive medication and/or she will be on dialysis every day of her life. Either all, it will be very painful for her and the memories we will have of her will be scenes of her on drip or dialysis - equally painful. I guess God chose to intervene and made the decision for us, painful as it was at that very moment - and that spared us from further agony and possible hard decisions we may be confronted with later on.
Mum's wake and funeral were over within a week, and things went back to normal. Grieved as we were with our loss, we took great comfort that mum left very good, very pleasant and very sweet memories for us - memories of her doing her search for hidden objects and adding colours to the picture after that, doing sudoku, or even reading papers. Given a choice, we would definitely choose these memories over that of seeing her hooked up in tubes everyday.
Mum's gone for more than a month now - this Sunday being her 49th day. Things are back to normal. We miss her presence definitely, but we know that what had happened, though sudden and shocked at that moment, was in essence, for her good. God is good, really really good!
What will this new year be like for me? I really have no idea - all I know is it's a year without mum around... it's a year with no more medical appointments in the hospitals, it's a year that I have a little "more" time on hand. And I know that it's a year that I can explore and experiment new things. With God for me, who can be against me? =)
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